Six Months

It is morning. Cloudy again, with a breeze from the east. I listen to the sound of ocean waves, lapping against a tropical beach. Youtube delivers this to me with an image of palm trees and a gentle ocean. If I close my eyes, and listen, I can believe that I am there, sitting in [...]

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While folding clothes yesterday I watched a YouTube video by Nancy Berns with the title: “Beyond Closure.” The title caught my eye as I scanned the recommended videos (thanks to these amazing algorithms that have invaded our life, YouTube knows exactly what I need to watch). That’s what I am aiming for: CLOSURE. On her [...]

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I thought the pain would ease with time, but it is actually increasing. The shock and disbelief that I experienced during the first couple of months were actually protecting me from feeling too much pain all at once. The pain is delivered in small doses as the reality of the situation sets in. This was [...]

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As I was doing some housework today, I turned on the TV and selected YouTube, as I often do. I find it interesting (and disturbing) how Google keeps track of what I watch and offers me more of the same. The first item up was a TedX talk on Grief by Robbie Stamp. Amazing how [...]

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I started this post over four years ago while I was watching my mother slip away. It was going to be titled “The Long Good-bye” or “How my Mother Disappeared” or “How I Lost my Mother.” Something to infer that she was still alive, but no longer the mother that had raised me, sent emails [...]

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When I was a kid, I remember waking up at night in the forest clutching my sleeping bag. It was dark. I had no idea where I was. Then I remembered that I was at camp, staying in a cabin with a bunch of girls. But where was the cabin? Everything was pitch black. Somehow [...]

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It’s an awkward situation. I’ve been there. I see someone who is grieving or who is receiving cancer treatments. I pretend that I don’t see them. I cross the street. I am paralyzed. What if I say the wrong thing? How can I pretend to understand what they are going through? What if that were [...]

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It has been one month since Galen died. I can see farther now than during the first couple of weeks, when just one day into the future was overwhelming. I can actually see myself taking the teardrop camper on a trip across the country. I realised this while I was moving the camper to a [...]

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One thing that has surprised me through all this grieving is how much of the emotional pain is felt in the body. For the first couple of weeks it felt like my guts were being pulled out. Now the physical pain seems to move around more. . .to the pit of my stomach and sometimes [...]

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There’s a brick wall thrown up right in my path. It wasn’t even done nicely. The mortar between the bricks is ragged. The bricks are faded. I throw myself against the wall. Repeatedly. Trying to break through To catch a glimpse of the life we had planned The future we had dreamed Trying to find him. He’s [...]

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